SERAPHlC

it's been a while. sometimes i log back in here and think about the fun times i had, especially years and years ago. i miss when things were fun and people weren't nasty to me for being opinionated and for standing up for myself. i miss when i wasn't being constantly stalked by people i met over 7 ? ish? fucking years ago. i miss drawing at least one picture a day and having an amazing work ethic. i miss not being scared, anxious and depressed.

i miss being myself, most of all.

i think about the fandoms i used to be in, the fandoms i could be in right now, the art i could be making if i had even an ounce of the drive i had when i was a teenager. its depressing.

and its a cycle because the more depressed i am the less i want to be creative. inv*der z*m opened me up creatively and improved my art tenfold in the short amount of time i was in the fandom. i miss the old friendships i used to have before things happened between us. i miss not caring about what people thought of me or my art. i miss roleplaying. i miss being young.

i think about what ifs often. what if i knew i was borderline earlier and took the care to get help for it. what if my parents took me seriously when i said i was depressed at age 13 and got me the help i desperately needed. what if i kept my nose out of matters that didn't concern me and stopped viewing others problems as a fictional show to become invested in. what if i knew to stay away from the p*dophiles who preyed on me.

what if i just was smarter overall. if i knew then what i know now, stuff like that.

this is kind of a melancholic thing for me. and maybe stupid, typing this impulsively out at 1:30 in the morning. i left deviantart because i was tired of being stalked. tired of walking on eggshells because the freaks who stalked me for years lurked around every corner and keyword search to try and find me. even now i'm not 100% sure they've given up. and that's terrifying.

my crime? i had an opinion about drama and posted it, and then later asked why this person i thought was my friend blocked me.

it spiraled into so so much more and i'm still left confused about how somebody could be cruel enough to somebody, online or otherwise to do what this person did, just because of a differing opinion. just because i wanted to know the reason why they left me behind.

there are so many people out there who still think of me of the kid/young adult who was troublesome and poked their nose into anything and everything, who didn't sit down and shut up about people treating me or my friends unfairly.

i'm 25 now. it's been a long time since then.

...i'm not happy. there are aspects of my life that are good but i think about the past often. how things couldve been different. i've tried again over and over, seeking out the euphoria i had once. nostalgia. no dice. it keeps haunting me like a bad ex. sometimes i think about trying again, maybe it'll be different this time. maybe i can come back here and continue like i never left. is it worth it? the anxiety and paranoia, that someone out there connected to my stalkers wants to hurt me still?

maybe deviantart is a bad memory, a bad chapter in my life that i keep wanting to revisit and revise.. but maybe it's time to consider it done. it's about to be 2020 and i'm thinking about the past again. isn't that funny?

part of me still wants to have a nice experience that lasts for once on this site, or in fandom in general. the paralyzing fear i have of being stalked keeps me from making the decision to reuse this site.

however

i'm tired of hiding myself and trying to reshape myself to be untraceable to bad people who want to see me destroyed for various reasons.

in 2020 i want to stop hiding and live again.